Damn, I love the number 6 don’t I? I should probably get a room and just get it over with. I can already imagine the sweet, kinky, unnatural things we’ll do to each other, the wave after wave of epic orgasms, and the sobbing and the chocolate and the self-loathing that’ll follow for weeks thereafter. Till the time I do that, here’s another one from the 6 series. 

Riding through India the last 6 years, I’ve experienced some WEIRD stuff that I really doubt motorcyclists anywhere else in the world have felt, stuff that kinda defines the entire Desi riding experience. We Hindustani folk are sadly far too used to it, to the point that we don’t even notice these things anymore, things that are capable of driving “normal” people to gory suicide in an instant. Here’s my compilation of 6 weird things that only happen to Indian bikers. 

1. Spit and shit rains down on you from the sky

I was returning from Shirdi to Mumbai, there was a long stretch of road and I could see a truck somewhere in the distance. Twisted the throttle on my mighty Pulsar 150 and was about to overtake the truck, when something liquid and red suddenly hit me from nowhere. I could see splashes of unknown origin on my visor, jacket, gloves, instrument console and fuel tank.

My initial though was “Blood? WTF? Who died? Is it mine? Did I just explosively menstruate? How?”. Then I registered the putrid stench of spit and paan, along with the truck driver’s open door up front. I totally lost my head, tried to make the guy stop and shove my eeeewwwwey helmet up his ass, but then he was a truck driver, mowing bikers down after spitting on them was kinda in his job profile.

I’ve had water, Coke cans, bottles, coconuts, plastic bags, paper bags, trolley bags, baby piss, spit, vomit, and a tree thrown on/in front of me on numerous occasions. I’ve actually twisted one famously clichéd line to perfectly describe such kind of situations:

I love riding in the rain because no one knows I’m covered in other people’s shit. 

2. The divider is a portal to another universe

In other countries, the median is nothing more than a dead combination of concrete, metal , and dirt. In India, it’s an exit port for the intergalactic transport wormhole superhighways network that Jodie Foster went through in Contact. Somewhere in space, a few naughty aliens are having a ball watching people, animals and stuff go inside a telephone booth, only to teleport straight in front of an unsuspecting Indian biker.

I’ve hit 2 dogs till date, with uncountable near misses. I’ve been lucky to have never hit another human being, although I came very close on a number of occasions. Pigs, goats, cows, buffaloes and babies frequently present themselves by jumping out of the bushy divider straight onto the high-speed lane. Things are still bearable in metros, but if you are unlucky enough to find your ass in Bihar, prepare it to be dry humped. Where 4 wheelers can just waltz over a puppy without remorse or consequence, a 2 wheeler mostly finds itself hurtling through space moving slowly towards a squishy adorable death.

3. Random people come and fuck with your left mirror

I really don’t understand this. I’ve tested this theory by parking my bike in office, home, street and everywhere else. No matter what I do, no matter how short the time period where I take my eyes off the bike, the left mirror will be completely bent out of shape when I get back, like it’s fucking possessed or something. Other stuff might happen as well, like people stealing stickers off your machine, or playing Tic Tac Toe on the fuel tank with a razor blade, or fiddling with the switches till they fall off, or playing with the clutch, gear and accelerator, but the left mirror is ALWAYS gone.

I generally need to reset my right mirror once every quarter, or even less frequently. The left one? Every damn day. This is not bike specific either, whatever motorcycle you have, its left mirror is the prime target for some reason. Random cunts just leisurely walk up to your bike, twist the throttle, adjust the left mirror to see their disfigured face, flip all the switches, try to sit on and sometimes drop it. The rule seems to be fairly simple:

If it ain’t yours, do whatever the hell you want with it.

4. Nobody can see anything at night, everyone keeps going

India at night is just pure madness, bikes are on high beam, cars are on high beam, trucks and buses have their floodlights pointed straight towards your eyes. Like BMW has developed that technology where the headlights follow your steering movement, Indian truck drivers have created their own contraption where all of their 4 headlights and 2 fog lights and 1 flasher follow your eyes as you cross on the opposite side of the road, making sure your retinas are thoroughly roasted in those precious few seconds. Really high-tech stuff.

The best part is that such communal blindness doesn’t slow anybody down! We Indians are a valiant race, it doesn’t matter if we can’t see shit up front, we’ll never go below 120 kmph or the people behind us will win. The high beams affect everyone, but riders the most, since that helmet visor creates some spectacular disco light effect that others are immune to. Add to that our unpredictable road conditions, and it’s quite common to find cars dangling off bridges, trucks doing it doggy-style with dividers, and dismembered heads hitting your visors early in the morning.

5. Everybody is in a hurry, nobody goes anywhere

Go to any major city, and you’ll swear on your unborn child’s life to never go there again. Traffic jams can be found everywhere, but that’s not the real problem. The problem is that those traffic jams are generally created by 5 foot 7 inch high assholes that are always in some kind of crap emergency. Most of these self-aware anuses are found in auto rickshaws, some others on bikes, and yet others in taxis. Unlike most other places in the world, you’ll not find ANY space to split through traffic and get on with your life, which is fairly logical since there’s not much difference between a bike and a friggin truck, why should they be treated any different?

You’ll find yourself at the butt-end of a 5 km long jam. Since you are on a bike, you’ll off-road your way to the front, only to find reason for all of this stupidity to be a dickless pair of a taxi and an auto driver. Neither of them wanted to give the other any space, so they kissed and a few millimeters of paint was lost. Instead of just going about their lives, they decide to block the entire fucking intersection. This causes a lot of other road users to try and reach the front, leading to a number of similar kissing accidents and public shit-throwing. The principle here is easy to understand:

If I have a problem, this entire city of 20 million people has a problem. Capiche? 

6. You are a constant unwilling partner in a race to nowhere

Cars race you, state transport buses race you, Volvo buses race you, trucks race you, pre-puberty kids race you, autos race you, cycles race you, joggers race you, dogs race you. If you are on a reasonably funky looking motorcycle, wearing riding gear and a good helmet, with luggage on your tail, you are fucked. The problem doesn’t stop at racing, it’s their definition of racing that is a major issue.

For normal people, racing is “I’m faster than you so I’ll overtake you”. For Indians, racing is “I’m slower than you so I’ll dangerously overtake you and then slow down right in front of you and let you overtake only to overtake you dangerously again till the time you slit your throat”. When I first got the Duke 390, people in cars weren’t used to bikers overtaking them with such impunity, it REALLY pissed them off. Now they are somewhat OK with it, but still very much in denial. Add to that the plethora of luxury cars available nowadays, and you have a contest. Riding in India feels like passing through a large number of overlapping impromptu races.

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This is it, some unexplained and totally unnecessary things that happen to Indian bikers that I really don’t think (and hope) happen to people elsewhere in the world. Till date I’ve seen only 1 other country except India, and the driving sense there brought me to tears of happiness. If you’ve been to other countries except India and Bhutan, let me know how your experience went!

comments (44)

  • Reply

    May 8, 2017

    Left mirror ? I have problem with my choke. always somebody pulls it and fucking increases my oil consumption

  • Reply

    December 13, 2016

    My god…. U got the left mirror thing absolutely right..! And I love that sarcasm buddy.!!

  • Reply

    February 4, 2016

    May be am not right but that guy in front of pulsar really got balls or may be he’s stupid and don’t care about his balls.
    Cz those white lines in roads are made of slippery plastic. And this guy in pulsar did a wheelie right on it. He must be lucky if he didn’t knew what he was doing.

  • Reply

    August 6, 2015

    5 ft 7.
    That’s the average height of an Indian male. You are gooood X-D

  • Reply

    February 4, 2015

    trucks doing doggy style… LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

  • Reply

    January 23, 2015

    Real factors written in an interesting language..keep it up Akhil

  • Reply

    January 18, 2015

    Haha, quite the list. Even though not in the same league as our country, The drivers and pedestrians in Saudi Arabia are quite possibly one of THE worst. It’s been almost a year and a half since I’ve been here and I’ve ridden my street triple R for half of that and damn does it feel like riding my 220 through crazy Chennai traffic, only at much crazier traffic speeds competing for road space with humongous vehicles. In India, a good helmet went a long way making me feel secure while riding, here I do not step out unless I have all my gear on head to toe. Funny thing though is that when I’m in a cage on four wheel, unless I drive like these fuckups, I wouldn’t be on the road for long.

    • Reply

      January 17, 2015

      Wow! I thought the rich Saudi life would have some effect on their roads! Guess not 🙂

  • Reply

    January 17, 2015

    That first paragraph though….

  • Reply

    January 13, 2015

    Akhil my man, your vocabulary I must say is commendable! But if you promise to not take offence, let me give you my two cents. Your grammar needs work and I mean hella work. You sound like one of those vain north indians who try to sound discernible by stringing together several multi-syllabled words into oblivion that ultimately make no sense . a la your phrase ‘dismembered heads’ if you look it up you’d realize it’s oxymoronic to the T. I’m not doing this to undermine your efforts but in hope of being able to read the articles that you write(which I must add are very gritty ) in a non-juvenile form . Yes I’m from Bangalore and I hope this message doesn’t conform to the stereotype that us Bangaloreans are ‘Angrezi snobs’. We just can’t stand you north Indians strutting about spouting a few ‘fancy’ anglicized words and acting all high brow. Thank you if you recognize that I come with nothing but the best intentions and if not, I’m sorry I’m a fan of riderzone and insult was not on the agenda. Fuck it let’s ride! *wink* *wink*

    • Reply

      January 13, 2015

      Hey man, it’s true that most of my articles are juvenile, with words that make little or no sense in the real world. However, believe me when I tell you it’s not under my control! Writing style depend on a lot of factors, from your mood on that particular day to your mindset the last few years. I’m enjoying writing these weird articles for now, who knows what I’ll publish tomorrow 🙂

    • Reply

      September 2, 2015

      Although *wink* *wink* is there, but you did say “We just can’t stand you north Indians strutting about spouting a few ‘fancy’ anglicized words and acting all high brow.” – well, that does make you (and all the people you referred to in ‘we’) ”Angrezi snobs”- your words not mine.
      Anywho, putting all North Indian- South Indian bs aside, this blog is about motorcycling and a rider’s thoughts. Who cares about grammar man…fuck it. And the writer should not have to spare 2 seconds of his time to listen to your rant. He has his own style, which many people like. Let’s ride- our separate bikes, in our separate cities, at a safe distance from each other *wink* *wink*…

  • Reply

    January 10, 2015

    i have ridden in many cities and would like to tell you that most of us become morons as soon as we start riding any two wheeler or four wheeler or no wheeler(pedestrians). The most irritating part is that everyone thinks he is right. Even if he is traveling on the wrong side of the road, jumping red lights no one will accept his mistake and put the blame on others. Apart from the above mentioned things, I find most irritating is people honking unnecessarily as soon as the signal turns green. I feel like punching those guys but alas we are mango people with stupid IT careers.
    But I love your style of writing man keep up the good work.

    • Reply

      January 9, 2015

      Thanks Harsh! Finally got to read your comment 🙂 Good to see someone have such a huge impact on their life through motorcycles!

  • Reply

    January 9, 2015

    Great article man! Nothing which anyone of us hasn’t experienced.

    I’d like you to check out this link, something that I wrote. Do mention any mistakes or problems with it. Thanks in advance.

    https://www.quora.com/What-are-small-changes-youve-made-resulting-in-a-big-difference-in-your-life/answer/Harsh-Dhiman

    • Reply

      January 9, 2015

      Can’t open the link mate, says too many requests from this IP!

      Glad you liked the article though.

  • Reply

    January 9, 2015

    Initially when I started driving in US I almost used to honk whenever I saw a car about to merge from a different road. No one honks here and slowly I adjusted to the traffic rules here. Bikers and pedestrians have so much respect. No one tries to scare a motorcyclist by coming too close to him. Thumb rule is keep 2 car distance between yourself and motorcycles. Most people yield the way to motorcycles, bikea and pedestrians. In India the situation is who is at fault at the receiving end is always the motorcyclist. I agree with all the points that u have mentioned here and have met with most of them. After a painful accident on my Avenger, I started driving a 4 wheeler and promised myself not to ride a motorcycle. However after coming to the US and experiencing the civilized traffic here my heart wants to try out the motorcycle again.
    By the way, I can write am equally painful article on the problems faced by car drivers caused by 2 and 3 wheelers. I believe every vehicle type has problems to share. 😀

    • Reply

      January 9, 2015

      True man, cars have their own share of problems. I can’t even begin to imagine how you guys wait for hours on those tolls! It’s also true that bikers and auto walas create problems for drivers.

      If you live in the US, I would strongly recommend enjoying the ride! Why stop yourself from having fun just because of some past experiences? 🙂

      • Reply

        January 9, 2015

        I am a bike and car enthusiast and was trying to read something on new bikes and cars being launched in India and stumbled on an article on your website. I liked your articles and that you always focus on riding safe and educate others to ride safe is really good. Keep up the good job.

  • Reply

    January 8, 2015

    One more thing i would like to add…snakes under the seat or from the front headlight assembly. Even i read a news some years back “an eagle lost its grip on it meal which was a snake which landed on moving motorists head”

  • Reply

    January 8, 2015

    you going in left lane, minding your own business leaving speed lane to 4 wheelers and suddenly a car overtakes you from right and without any indicator swerves into you to take that turn left, leaving your heart in mouth thinking what the fuck just happened… but dats universal right for cars

    bumper to bumper traffic and some asshole honking his custom horn constantly till your ears bleed and your inner ear pops out of your head….truly indian

    gramin sewa autos in speedlane on a dam national highway loaded with people, two legs hanging out of auto and 3-4 morons clinging to its back……dats truly indian

    • Reply

      January 8, 2015

      Seen them all Sushil, disgustingly often! No idea when Indians will improve.

  • Reply

    January 8, 2015

    Very true about the cars drivers getting pissed by a bike overtaking them. I have never been able to overtake a car from the right on a highway. You honk and you flash that headlight but they just ignore you and continue to drive at 40 in the fast lane.
    Then I just overtake them from the left lane.

    And when someone messes with my mirror it pisses me off like the hulk. I blasted a guy once because of this. Didn’t feel any better though.

    • Reply

      January 8, 2015

      Yeah man, that’s what all of us need to do!

      I’ve never caught one red handed, but can’t imagine it’ll feel any different than you did!

  • Reply

    January 8, 2015

    Kenya being the 4th largest number of vehicles in the world having good traffic discipline. Nobody cuts and honks even though there is horrible traffic. Mind you to cover a distance of 5kms it may take 1 hour because of the kilometre long traffic block. Still they maintain discipline. Imagine if they have done driving like India it would end up in days long traffic block

  • Reply

    January 7, 2015

    One hand on the steering at 100km an hour the other is missing..is he jerking off?..Oh no..he is busy eating kurkurre which is placed between his inner thighs!..As long as RTOs’ issue licenses like ration cards you will have such dicks behind steerings and handle bars.

    • Reply

      January 8, 2015

      True Mithun. It’s phones if not Kurkure! Just feel like running them over.

  • Reply

    January 7, 2015

    Brother, this is why you need to develop the Indian Zen. Shit happens, so no matter what let it happen! Our whole concept of Karma was created anticipating these traffic and road snarls. If you are destined to reach the destination, you shall reach there, else you are fucked!! Even if you are fucked, no worries, you still have an afterlife when you can finally try and get out of the traffic block. Who knows you may be reborn as a Bulleteer, so you wont have any temptation to go above 70 kmph 😉 After all Karma does say you move towards perfection after each life! 😀

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