With too many good bikers dying recently, the thoughts went to the possibility of a day when motorcycles would simply be banned, banned for being too unsafe, banned for being too fun. Here’s what the news on such a day might look like.

June 19th 2018, Hyderabad

Numerous reports of arson, violence and spontaneous mass burnouts were received today after the Government officially classified motorcycles as a narcotic substance, effectively banning their use by criminalizing everything related to them. The move to include motorcycles under the Narcotic Drugs and Psychotropic Substances Act of 1985 sparked widespread protests throughout the country, but officials have shown no signs till now of reversing it.

Spearheaded by the parents of teenagers who bought their kids suicides in the form of superbikes, the movement to ban motorcycles for good was building up since quite a few months. The power and money behind these bereaved parents pressured the politicians into rare action, and that too in a surprisingly short amount of time.

The spokesman for the parents had this statement to make:

“We couldn’t be happier, this is exactly what we were looking for. When I bought my 17-year-old son that 17 lac superbike that can go from 0 to 200 kmph in less than 5 seconds, I wasn’t aware of the fact that bikes are dangerous and can kill you, especially the kind that do 0 to 200 kmph in less than 5 seconds. Now my son is dead, and there’s nobody else to blame but motorcycles. We have to ban them completely, so that the future of our children is safe and secure.”

When asked about the rationale behind clubbing motorcycles with drugs, he said:

What’s the difference? Cocaine is addictive, so are bikes. Heroin addicts can’t live without it, neither can motorcycle addicts. LSD makes you cut open your skull and pour boiling hot oil on your brain, so do superbikes. Narcotics and motorcycles are both mood-altering substances that make you do dangerous stuff, like going from 0 to 200 kmph in less than 5 seconds.

To the question about the death of his child being his own fault and not motorcycles, he replied:

Are you kidding me? What did I do? Sharma ji bought his son a Ferrari, and he’s just 13. I was just trying to make sure my son didn’t feel left out at school, and a 200 horsepower superbike is nothing that a 17-year-old can’t handle. He was really quick to learn how to make mushy mushy with his penis, so I was certain this would be no big deal.

The recent deaths of numerous experienced bikers from all across the country and the world fueled the campaign to ban bikes even further. The argument was made that even full-riding gear, safe riding practices, and following all traffic laws wasn’t enough to save these lives in a country where human life has no value anyways, hence the fault must lie with the one thing that is just a collection of mechanical parts under complete human control.

The announcement immediately halted production of motorcycles across all the 2-wheeler factories in India. Royal Enfield stocks dipped sharply during the day, before the CEO announced their new plan to start manufacturing classic cars with old, badly engineered parts that would break down at the slightest touch of a finger. The day ended with RE stocks at an all-time high.

Other manufacturers also took the brunt of this policy shift. Hero Motocorp’s CEO expressed great sadness at not being able to take one bike and progressively make it uglier over the years, while not doing a single damn thing in the performance department. TVS released a press release expressing relief over motorcycles being banned, since they had no idea what, how, or when to do anything to do with 2 wheelers. KTM bought Bajaj motocorp’s India operations and will now use them to exclusively export to foreign countries, so business as usual there.

The effects were not just limited to manufacturers, many media establishments declared bankruptcy and shut down their online presence. BikeAdvice immediately took down their site, citing the enormous amounts of grief over not being able to write speculative bullshit about fictional motorcycles that never made it to real life.

It used to be so much fun writing about bikes that nobody cared for and never actually went into production. While all other sites focused on writing reviews and news stories, we always took great pains to find the most obscure, ridiculously disconnected news stories, and publish them with a catchy headline as opposed to real and authentic journalistic pieces. There’s no reason to live now.

Autocar was also hit fairly hard, with website views plummeting over the day.

Too bad motorcycles have been banned, it was such a rush to imagine stories while taking a shit, and then publish them like they were totally real and serious news items. The silver lining here is that we still have cars around, and we can assure you no stone will be left unturned in the pursuit of pure journalistic fucktardery. 

Popular biking forum Xbhp was shut down immediately as well, which left thousands of wannabe bikers looking for an answer to that question with life and death importance, “WhTZ Ur tOp spEEd GaYZ?”.

All over the country strange scenes were witnessed from fanatical motorcycle fans. The MMSC race track in Chennai was swarmed by bikers trying to do one last lap of the circuit on their beloved machines before they were taken away. The crowd meant that the track was completely jammed, and the bikers left roasting in the heat moving in 1st gear between long pauses.

Gaming arcades across the nation were jam-packed with bikers queuing up to experience the motorcycle rides, even if they were not even remotely anything like what it feels to be on a bike. As it became harder to get a spot on the rides, bikers were seen spilling out the malls, shivering uncontrollably and muttering strange sentences under bridges and flyovers.

The situation had become so dire by evening that some people were reported giving blowjobs in alleys just to snort a drop or two of Motul engine oil. Those who couldn’t score any Motul were forced to go with Castrol, while others preferred to commit suicide by jumping off buildings instead of doing anything below the finest synthetics. Numerous cases of blood infections were reported with people injecting themselves with DOT 3 brake fluid in the arm.

Police didn’t spare the rod and anyone found trying to buy any motorcycle parts in the black market was immediately arrested. Jails were swarming by the evening filled with exhaust sound impressions made with the the mouth and Coke cans. Riots between Rossi and Lorenzo fans were swiftly controlled with pepper spray and water hoses. Police also raided rave parties and arrested many teenagers accused of gathering there just to listen to motorcycle sound clips on Youtube.

Many people were reported walking around aimlessly around the city. When we asked one of them what he was doing he said:

What? I don’t know man, this is what I would normally do, just pick up my bike and ride around for no reason. I don’t know what to do now, would rather cut my genitals with a wet piece of plywood than drive a car. I just want to go brrrraaaapppp you know?

An image went viral on social media of a woman with a tankbag on her head and saddlebags on her sides, running. When questioned what she was up to, she replied:

I wanted to ride from Kashmi to Kanyakumari so that my photo would be in newspapers and people would give me money, but now there are no bikes anymore. In any case, I need far more Facebook likes than what I’m getting right now, so I’m just gonna do it anyways. Would you like to take a selfie with me to prevent women rape?

Overall, chaos rules the streets and it doesn’t look like things will be back to normal anytime soon. As far as RiderZone goes, things are going well since this site had nothing to do with motorcycles ever. Stay tuned for more info as the situation progresses.

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