Mumbai: In an outrageous episode, a biker accused of being a penniless, destitute, bankrupt little bastard was today lawfully divorced by his unwed girlfriend. Akhil Kalsh, a well-hated biker living in Mumbai, created judicial history by being the first person to be divorced without being married in the first place, setting an unprecedented precedent for future cases. Akhil, being the attention-whoring piece of shit that he is, wasted no time and quickly published an abusively ranty article about this honor, which went viral immediately.

Akhil’s girlfriend had filed a divorce petition in the Bandra sessions court last month, which cited irreparable damage to their relationship as the grounds for this decision. The 116 page document was filled with scathing accusations against Akhil, most of which centered around calling him a “giant douche”, “curvey dick loving pussey”, and “poverty-stricken little cunt”. Here are a few of the 79 reasons given by her justifying the divorce proceedings:

  1. His monthly salary is finished by the 7th paying credit card bills for stupid motorcycle stuff, after which he blatantly steals money from my account.
  2. He has been using the same red riding jacket for the last 4 years, and the same red striped t-shirt for 10, both of which have never been washed and smell like a pig sodomized a skunk inside them.
  3. His net worth after working for 4 long years is around one lac thirty thousand rupees, which includes no bank balance, 1 camera, 2 bikes, and a giant assortment of filthy riding gear and luggage. 
  4. He has now resigned from his well-paying and extremely cushy job, to follow some idiotic dream of being a motorcycle traveler, without a single shred of a plan. 
  5. He is hated by most motorcycle companies, experienced bikers, and even the readers of his own website for being a hateful little baby, which means no sponsorship, free stuff, or income. 
  6. He is a curvey dick loving pussey giant douche poverty-stricken little cunt. 

The presiding judge who was initially reluctant to let this case proceed changed her mind after going through the entire 116 page document. Following the judgement, she gave the following statement to the media:

Many of you might be wondering how a divorce can be awarded between 2 people who aren’t even married, but the answer is really simple. The reason this decision has been taken is to let everybody know never to marry Akhil Kalsh, or any other biker for that matter. It’s a declaration for the girls everywhere around the globe, to show them the fact that motorcyclists are selfish little tits who destroy lives. I hope to God he gets hit by a train and is dragged under it from Mumbai to Delhi. 

Akhil’s girlfriend had this to say to the media gathered outside the courthouse:

I remember when Akhil and I first met, oh what a charming little boy he used to be! Then he got obsessed with motorcycles, and started indiscriminately abusing everyone and everything around him. After our parents talked to each other and agreed to an early marriage, he pissed on everything by quitting his job and becoming an unemployed little blogger. Even though he is absolutely amazing in bed, and better at romance than Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds combined, just love is not enough to survive on. He and his riding have destroyed my dreams. I wish he hits a divider and is crushed by every single tire of an 18-wheeler, twice. 

Akhil was found busy on his phone throughout the court proceedings, replying to comments on his Facebook posts and website articles. He even took a 360 degree selfie video inside the courtroom with his GoPro, which was then confiscated by the bailiff. After a reporter asked him what were his thoughts about being humiliated by his girlfriend he said:

What? I have a girlfriend? 

He was then arrested by the Police and jailed for being too poor, too stupid, and far too happy.

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