Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider jumping directly into a running aircraft engine, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.

A few weeks ago, the mighty and the benevolent Gods of motorcycling at Ixigo posted an article titled 16 Hand Signals Every Biker Should Know Of, along with that brilliantly beautiful Facebook caption “Ride or die, remember?”. It was written by someone called Shewali, whose description was “She is mostly travelling; if not blabbering or gorging. That’s all folks!”.

OK then.

What better way to improve your riding skills than to follow advice from an article on a website that has nothing to do with motorcycles, written by someone who probably hasn’t ridden one ever.

The moment I read that shit, I knew I had to fuck with it.

No biker needs to learn ANY kind of hand signals, ever. Let me tear through the possible situations where you might need to use these idiotically unnecessary movements, and then tell you how and why you need to get the fuck out of that situation.

Situation 1: You are riding with a bunch of retarded cunts

The first situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to take a right turn with your arm, when you could do the same thing with your fucking indicator, is if you are riding with an ungodly conglomerate of shitheads. These are the kind of people who can’t tell apart a motorcycle from a litter box, and must be stayed away from at all times as far as possible.

Action to be taken: Get the fuck away from them and get a life.

Situation 2: You are a self-important ass-licker who loves telling others what to do

The second situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to turn left, right, speed up, slow down, spit or swallow, occurs when your father never loved you and your mom never loved him. You find pleasure in herding around a group of shitty sheep-humans, finding faults in their every action, and making them lick your balls.

Action to be taken: Ride off a fucking cliff and die, because you suck.

Situation 3: You are riding with such a giant horde that you are afraid of everyone crashing into your ass

The third situation, seen quite commonly with these so-called “brotherhoods”, happens when you, in a misguided attempt to become a biking celebrity cum attention whore, call on whoever the fuck has 2 wheels and a beating heart, to join you in that public rape of everything that’s good and holy about motorcycling, and you attempt to use these hand signals to stop these dicks from penetrating your behind.

Action to be taken: Refer to situation 2.

Ride solo. If you can’t, ride only with people you trust. Motorcycling is not a team game, it’s an intensely personal experience. All these hand-signals seem to do is take that pleasure away from you, forcing you to share it with a bunch of people you don’t even give a shit about. When you ride with dudes you believe in, intelligent dudes, dudes with personalities, they don’t need to be TOLD what to do, they see you, and they know.

In any case, always remember:

Orgies are great, but nobody gives you an orgasm like you.

Thanks for the legal notice Ixigo!

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

comments (21)

  • Reply

    October 5, 2015

    Just got a little embarrassed in office. I laughed out loud reading this. :p

  • Reply

    September 30, 2015

    hilarious 😀

  • Reply

    August 29, 2015

    Ha ha….made my day akhil. You have always emphasised on how biking is purely a personal experience. So true!

  • Reply

    August 27, 2015

    So basically what you did is take a direct piss at the existence of Harley-Davidon riders, their groups, their brotherhood and their culture.

    Actually you took a piss on Mr Willy G. Davidson’ s face.

    I have never seen a metaphor more epic than this.

  • Reply

    August 27, 2015

    Oh my fucking god. I “DO” have an erection. Maybe the cocksuckers on the road may want to help with that..

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    Ditto as Sarath said, beers on me whenever you land in Gurgaon. You are the best.

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    Dude!! you are so right…..I always thought of why the hell are those things needed in the first place, I mean every bike has indicators, a brake light, that should be enough for the rider following me to know, if at all he is really “paying attention”, it looks so unwanted and more like an attention seeking problem or like a know-it-all snob!!!!

    • Reply

      August 27, 2015

      True man, no point at all! How are you even supposed to remember so many of them?

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    and i use to feel guilty when i cudn’t appreciate dis biker “brotherhood” inspite of my love for biking. biker brotherhood seems like religious brotherhood to me….illogical. how can i assume every one wid 2 wheels and engine between legs as my brother when i dont have a clue about dere riding etiquette. if u race with ur pathetic bikes on streets honking like ur ass is on fire widout any regards to safety and rights of others..dan fuck u..and ur brotherhood.
    coming to main topic…
    do this ..do that ..lists copied from western articles widout using any decimal of there own IQ.
    hand signals.. seriously… u want me to leave my clutch hand, in face of a near hazard ..just to give you some pervert hand gestures… left right indicator to follow hota nahi indians se theek se hand signal dilwaoge…
    simple thing is
    if u need to rely on such hand gestures from rider ahead of u..dan u r already riding dangerously close ..get back simple.

    imported bike riding tips from a nonbike website by a nonbiker….funny

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    I saw that post earlier but never had any possible imagination that you would fuck this up like a crack whore. Well, you made me proud, mate.. 🙂

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    That was intense as fuck and I totally dig the brotherhoods part. I HATE IT. I HATE IT MORE THAN I LOVE RIDING SOLO!! Half the people, wait, 95% of people who do those rides don’t even know the meaning of brotherhood. Fucking bunch of hermaphrodites just causing noise and sound pollution and unwanted accidents

    Good read though.

  • Reply

    August 26, 2015

    I am buying you beers whenever we meet. 😀 i LIKE TO BOOGIE! 😀

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