Disclaimer: After reading this article, if you still need to read this disclaimer to understand that this is a piece of satire, a figment of my imagination, an exercise in fiction, you should seriously consider jumping directly into a running aircraft engine, or at least not having sex for the rest of your life because of fear of transmitting your stupidity germs to your unfortunate unborn child.
A few weeks ago, the mighty and the benevolent Gods of motorcycling at Ixigo posted an article titled 16 Hand Signals Every Biker Should Know Of, along with that brilliantly beautiful Facebook caption “Ride or die, remember?”. It was written by someone called Shewali, whose description was “She is mostly travelling; if not blabbering or gorging. That’s all folks!”.
What better way to improve your riding skills than to follow advice from an article on a website that has nothing to do with motorcycles, written by someone who probably hasn’t ridden one ever.
The moment I read that shit, I knew I had to fuck with it.
No biker needs to learn ANY kind of hand signals, ever. Let me tear through the possible situations where you might need to use these idiotically unnecessary movements, and then tell you how and why you need to get the fuck out of that situation.
Situation 1: You are riding with a bunch of retarded cunts
The first situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to take a right turn with your arm, when you could do the same thing with your fucking indicator, is if you are riding with an ungodly conglomerate of shitheads. These are the kind of people who can’t tell apart a motorcycle from a litter box, and must be stayed away from at all times as far as possible.
Action to be taken: Get the fuck away from them and get a life.
Situation 2: You are a self-important ass-licker who loves telling others what to do
The second situation in which you might need to tell the bikers following you to turn left, right, speed up, slow down, spit or swallow, occurs when your father never loved you and your mom never loved him. You find pleasure in herding around a group of shitty sheep-humans, finding faults in their every action, and making them lick your balls.
Action to be taken: Ride off a fucking cliff and die, because you suck.
Situation 3: You are riding with such a giant horde that you are afraid of everyone crashing into your ass
The third situation, seen quite commonly with these so-called “brotherhoods”, happens when you, in a misguided attempt to become a biking celebrity cum attention whore, call on whoever the fuck has 2 wheels and a beating heart, to join you in that public rape of everything that’s good and holy about motorcycling, and you attempt to use these hand signals to stop these dicks from penetrating your behind.
Action to be taken: Refer to situation 2.
Ride solo. If you can’t, ride only with people you trust. Motorcycling is not a team game, it’s an intensely personal experience. All these hand-signals seem to do is take that pleasure away from you, forcing you to share it with a bunch of people you don’t even give a shit about. When you ride with dudes you believe in, intelligent dudes, dudes with personalities, they don’t need to be TOLD what to do, they see you, and they know.
In any case, always remember:
Orgies are great, but nobody gives you an orgasm like you.
Thanks for the legal notice Ixigo!
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, things, corporations, motorcycle manufacturers, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.