I’ve written about Guy Martin before, after I listened to his autobiography.

It appears that the single biggest reason he exists is so he can find other people’s dreams, live the shit out of them, and then wonder why he has so many fans.

The 38 year old Britisher has done some remarkable things in his life, and here’s a list of 9 of them to make your blood boil with jealousy and shame.

1. Get a world record on the Wall of Death:

Riding the Wall of Death might sound funny to some Indians, because we tend to associate them with street circuses, where unnamed people that nobody cares for routinely swallow swords and pull a rabbit out a hat while riding horizontally on a rickety motorcycle.

Needless to say, it’s no joke, especially the G forces one has to endure. Here’s a video of how Guy Martin prepared for his stint.

And here’s the actual video of the attempt. Even when Martin gets the record, he wants to keep going higher, but the organisers insist he stop. Hilarious.

2. Pikes Peak hill climb:

Pikes Peak is considered to be one of the most dangerous and prestigious hill climb races in the world. Watch Guy Martin win it in his first attempt on a home-made bike. Not kidding.

3. Race a Formula 1 car:

I’m not shitting you, Guy Martin has actually raced a frickin F1 car, driven by Coulthard, no less.

4. Drive a Ferrari FXX:

Ferrari FXX is a road legal race car that really shouldn’t be. Watch Martin terrify a young boy and shit his pants.

5. Ride a Britten 1000:

Even after more than a decade, the Britten 1000 continuous to be a one-of-a-kind machine, and Guy gets a go on it.

Motherfucker.

6. Win the Dirt Quake:

I didn’t even know this event existed, but now that I do I want to do it. Looks like epic fun. Dibs on Mario.

7. Get a world record on a Hovercraft:

Now he’s just waving his dick in our faces. Fortunately I couldn’t find the complete video in which he trains with the British army and attempts to break the hovercraft world speed record, but here’s a little teaser.

8. Get a world record for Mountain Snow Sledging:

Fuck land, fuck water, and finally, fuck snow. There’s nothing and nowhere that can stop Guy Martin’s 97 inch cock dangling in your face.

9. Get a world record for riding a motorcycle on water:

Jesus.

Once you’ve watched him do these things, how do you live with yourself? It’s not even like he’s old, and it’s not even like I’ve told you about the cycling and the flying and the boat building and shit, and it’s not even like you already don’t know about the Isle of Man and the Ulster and the North West 200.

What kind of a man does things like these for a job? Why does he even exist?

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and kill myself.

comments (2)

  • Reply

    May 10, 2016

    He also came to India, picked up an old RE Bullet 500 from Delhi, rode it all the way to Goa and won the race at Ridermania!!

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