You saw this first on RiderZone!

Responding to the Royal Enfield’s Himalayan launch that’s around the corner, Bajaj-KTM have just announced the unveiling of another market shattering product, the KTM 390 Adventure.

Speaking at the press conference totally filled with journalists from all over the world, KTM CEO made the following statement:

KTM has always been far ahead of the competition in launching new and disruptive products that change the motorcycling culture with their presence, just like Akhil Kalsh and his blog RiderZone have changed the very definition of motorcycling journalism. With the new KTM 390 Adventure our aim is to be just like RiderZone, fun, fearless, and fucking fantastic.

We actually have the honour of having Mr. Kalsh here at this moment, so I’d like to call him onto the stage and present to him the first prototype KTM 390 Adventure, as a gift of our appreciation.

*Pin drop silence*

Thanks a lot for your contribution Mr. Kalsh, without you we’d all be stuck with shit-faced websites like Autocar Professional and BikeAdvice, who’ll publish literally any vaginal diarrhoea that qualifies as a sentence. As a token of the respect we have for you, I’ll now personally give you a blowjob right here, right now.

*4 seconds later*

Already? Umm, anyways, the all-new KTM 390 Adventure is here in flesh, and we’ll launch it as soon as Mr. Kalsh has ridden it enough and given us his valuable seal of approval. After all the improvements have been made based on his esteemed opinion, the bike shall be put into production, and available for sale.

When asked about the tentative launch date of the KTM 390 Adventure, he said:

There’s no reason for me to put pressure on Mr. Kalsh to give us his feedback on the bike, but I’m quite certain he’ll be done with it by end of May, by which point he’ll hopefully be making much more than the crummy $50 a month that he’s earning right now from his gorgeous website, as more and more people realise what a saintly human being and what a talented rider he is.

To the question of pricing of the KTM 390 Adventure he said:

Can someone show Dr. Evil to the door please? Thank you, sorry for the disruption folks, but we haven’t yet decided what the price might be for this particular machine. Since Mr. Kalsh makes only 40000 Rupees ($600) a year, we are inclined to price it slightly cheaper than that, but we are completely positive that by May end, his yearly package would’ve increase massively, maybe even 46000 rupees. 

When asked about the features of the new KTM 390 Adventure, his answer was:

We’ve given you all brochures that’ll give you a firm idea of what this bike is all about. Basically, we’ve focussed on being as anti-Himalayan as possible, so the engine is roughly 400cc, but it makes like a million times more power than the Royal Enfield. Also, the footpegs will not break off immediately even if you go over a 2 feet jump, that we can guarantee, along with the fact that the suspension will not bottom out every time a fat man sits on it. Royal Enfield may have used CS Santosh to develop their machine, but we had the support of Mr. Kalsh, and clearly there’s no competition there. 

KTM 390 Adventure specs and features:

  • All-new engine design that runs on Semen and does 200 kilometers per shot
  • Special fuel tank design that attaches directly to the penis and automatically induces multiple orgasms when fuel level is low
  • A 100% environment-friendly exhaust system that only throws out the sound of 4 gay men in an orgy
  • Suspension setup taken straight from a 13 inch dildo for exceptional flexibility
  • Off-road tires lined with elephant foreskin for tremendous grip on any surface, even water
  • Standard ABS, heated grips, and ball scratcher

Stay tuned to RiderZone for an exclusive test ride experience coming up soon, and don’t forget to use your fucking brain next time you read an obviously dishonest article that’s nothing more than a click bait.

comments (32)

  • Reply

    May 28, 2016

    Need to know who is Akil ..?? and how the fuck do his comments or profane language rate better than some of the guys who have been riding for eons on Royal Enfields better…

    Ok .. you have a few new bikes that WILL be better… but dont, just dont throw your shitty comments about RE’s and their performances… You wanna ride with us old fuckers bare balled on icy roads and no gloves…?? stay home sonny and do you keyboard ninja thingy… leave the the riding to us and learn to show some respect for the older machines… machines that we get down on our knees and repair and the drop of a oil or even sweat..

  • Reply

    March 21, 2016

    Bajaj will not let any more KTM bike come in to Indian Market as it will hurt its brand. If they are unable to sell Bajaj bikes due competition may be they will bring new models from KTM otherwise no…
    I am interested in KTM 125 due to ABS but Rahul Bajaj has said that KTM 125 is not for Indians …so you may not see it in India.

  • Reply

    March 15, 2016

    Hahhahahahahaha good one

  • Reply

    March 11, 2016

    I sincerely hope companies stop taking Indian consumers for granted and treat them as adaptive market… Platform sharing is good idea but 390 Adv seriously does not make much sense to me what next 390 cruiser / 390 scrambler ??

    Someone really needs to check quality of Maal these guys are getting high on… where is the creativity??? every manufacturer is running the RAT RACE

    Does any Indian company has the balls to go up against the Big Japs or Chitalians or HD’s??

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    The specs look very interesting indeed.

    Question about the ball scratcher, won’t having the ball scratcher mean the pillion seat is useless to carry luggage, and the ball scratcher will have her own luggage to add on , right ? I hope the nails are trimmed and not sharp though!

    As for fuel, what RON ( realistic orgasm number ) semen does it run on ? I mean I have premium quality but in case I might be shagged totally empty, then I’d have to get some other ordinary semen, will the engine run ok ?

    Engine sound like 4 gay men in an orgy, now that’s a sound I haven’t heard in years, since I stopped watching parliament sessions on TV. Not sure I look forward to that, but the Dukes/RCs sounded barely tolerable, now the Adventure sucks to a new level.

    Oh and what its that yellow blob ahead of the rear tyre , is the bike leaking semen ?

    • Reply

      March 10, 2016

      I shall get back to you on these questions 😛

      • Reply

        March 10, 2016

        Don’t forget to ask about the recommended grade of lube !
        Is it KY Jelly only or will Vaseline do alright ? :p

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Akhil is back, with a ball smashing article….
    “Already? Umm, anyways, ” , this is great stuff dude…. ….

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Akhil is back, with a ball smashing article….
    “Already? Umm, anyways, ” , this is great stuff dude….

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    It boils down to one thing: you write what the manufacturers want and manage to make some money. Else write what u really feel and expect to make no money.

    But hey, I sincerely think a day will come when the majority realise what shit the media churns out and look out for quality stuff, and then the PAID media and manufacturers can cry away to extinction

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    While reading this article, I found this:-
    http://35.200.187.16/ktm-390-adventure/

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Ohhhh Ohhhh…… Akhil Sir you always rocks. I am not in the position to certify that you have taken the automobile journalism to the next level, but as a simple user I can say you always stand not a little taller, but stand too much taller than others. I like the line “You have CS Santosh, we have support of Mr Kalsh”. Thank you for penning the passion of a true biker.

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Ha ha ha ha ha.

    Tech specs.. Can’t stop laughing
    So fucking tru…it was all a click bait.

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    can more features be added to the ball scratcher?

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Scratching balls can get difficult with leather gauntlets and denims/riding pants… i often struggle with this issue. having a ball scratcher on my bike will help me focus more on the road and not on the situation in my pants. How do i add the ball scratcher to my bike?

    • Reply

      March 9, 2016

      Currently it’s a feature only available on the all-new KTM 390 Adventure, but I’m certain this brilliant innovation will be retrofitted into all bikes before the end of this year.

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Haha this is gold 😀 😀
    A slap on the face of morons reposting shit they find to look cool on WhatsApp groups and Facebook

  • Reply

    March 9, 2016

    Actually, What happened. Would you give an answer please 🙂

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